Tuesday, August 18, 2015

How to be the WORST at Traveling (Specifically via Airplane)

Let me start by saying that I know I am privileged. I've been lucky enough to see lots of the world and spend much of my free time taking in new cities and new people. And I love it! Often what this means is that I have to fly. Again, honored that I get to fly at all, because I understand that it's not an option for everyone. BUT, that being said, there's a reason people hate flying. Flying is stressful for a number of reasons - large number of people also traveling at any given time, time consuming, restrictions on what you can bring, etc.

I just got back from an AMAZING two weeks in the UK with my favorite travel PIC.

This girl is the bee's knees when it comes to travel. She'll look everything up and plan all activities, but doesn't freak out if things don't go as planned. Everyone needs someone like this in their lives. She can attest that I despise advanced planning. I get bored/frustrated/distracted and inevitably give up on it. Not this girl. This girl is focused AND chill.

As the self-proclaimed travel weasel, I've had quite a bit of experience with airports and the hell that flying can be. I've been in scary customs situations where people speak a different language, have guns, and are yelling things you don't understand at 3am. Reasonably, that's a little scary.

However, flying back from this UK trip led to one of the most continuously horrific airport experiences I've been in.

Tired & sleep deprived & headache = ^^
Flight plan: LHR -> JFK -> ATL. Pretty simple.
People often only know Atlanta from the horrors they've experienced in either the airport or traffic through the city. ATL has nothing on the nonsense that was LHR & JFK today.

Heathrow - English-speaking airport. JFK - English-speaking airport. My confusion as an English-speaking native and frequent flyer: 10/10.

Simply, my experience felt like day 1 at the airport for everyone. First time ever at an airport for all travelers & staff and no one has even ever heard rumors of how airports are supposed to work.

Reason #1 I feel this way: When you get to Terminal 3 of the London Heathrow airport, you're greeted by a combined Delta/Virgin ticket counter area. There are approximately 20 self-serve kiosks for check-in & ticket printing, 20 bag drop lines, 4 physical ticket agent lines, a bunch of weird kiosks on wheels that say "Delta Security Check", and zero direction on where to go or what queue is for which line. So, like the experienced traveler I am, I decided to ask for help. Pro-tip: don't ask only one person for help, chances are they have as much idea as you have as to what's going on. Just keep asking people. Oh, and if you find yourself flying Delta out of LHR, you have to talk to a Delta staff member at the mobile security check kiosks for reasons I still don't understand.

Reason #2: Baggage drop at Heathrow had lines of ~20 people per kiosk - no big deal, it's a baggage drop. Line should move quickly. An hour later and still in line to drop my bag off, I make it to the front. Hand gate agent boarding pass & passport. She weighs the bag & prints off sticker - all good. Why did it take more than 10 minutes to get though everyone in front of me, no idea.

Reason #3: The flight I was on notified me while printing my pass that there was a call for volunteers. Knowing that I was flying to a connection, JFK versus directly to ATL, I figured I'd volunteer, only if they could book me direct to Atlanta that day. Go to talk to a ticketing agent about this. They have no idea. They direct me to a single man helping a family of 7 and a queue behind them to find out if this is an option. Wait in that queue for a while - quickly evident that he's going to be a while with the family. Find different info/ticketing agent that looks like same position as this guy to see if other person could maybe do it instead - no. They redirect me to the same guy still with the family and now a longer queue. Okay, willingness to volunteer has passed.


So, since a growing number of people are first time fliers - I've written up a little list to make sure you travel with ease! Oh and reasons 4-13 why I'm pretty sure today was international fly for the first time day.


1. Yell. It's irrelevant if you don't even have a reason to yell, yell anyway.

2. Have your 3 children under 4 years old hover next to you at the baggage carousel with hundreds of other people and the world's heaviest bags after being on a plane for 9hrs. No children? No problem! Borrow some.

3. Stand up in the plane aisle before you get to the gate, ensuring that no one near you can be comfortable for the next 20 minutes while you wait to deplane. Bonus points if your butt hovers in the face of the person next to you or if you continually elbow anyone.

4. Turn the volume on your iPad/iPod/radio/cellular device as loud as it can go - do NOT put your headphones in. Headphones are for squares.

5. Whatever you do, do not read any signs. Signs are mostly confusing pictures anyway, and I'm sure anything important on them will be told to you by a physical person at some point.

6. But if you are going to stop to read a sign, because you have a lot of free time and want to hone up on your sign interpretation skills, stop in the middle of pedestrian foot traffic in a crowded hall.

7. Do not pay attention to anyone talking. Customs agent ready for you? Important information regarding how to go through the ever so exclusive TSA-precheck line? Immigration needs your declaration? These are all probably just suggestions. Ignore at will anyone giving you instructions or further directions. You do you.

8. There will be an arm rest between you and the person next to you, this can go up. Definitely put it up if it isn't already. Extra barriers prevent friendship, and you're sure to bond over the next 9 jet lagged hours.

9. The Golden Rule - If all else fails, panic. This may combine any number of the aforementioned rules. Personally, I recommend yelling at the other passengers to "Hurry Up" and "Let's go". Especially if they're elderly. Oh, and then comment to no one in particular that the overhead bags should have already been down by now. Even if the plane hasn't reached the jet bridge. Irrelevant. When you finally get out of your seat, push up close to the people in front of you. You have a connecting flight in an hour, it's completely reasonable to panic. I'm sure nobody else has any time sensitive obligations.

Let me finish by saying, I wasn't the perfect traveler today either. I got frustrated and almost bitched out an entire family for being inconsiderate (see #2 on how to be the worst). When asked where my bag was going, I said Dallas. Um? No, it's definitely not going to Dallas, but for a full 15 seconds I was absolutely convinced it had to go to Dallas. This confused a gate agent which made her double check something which then delayed the line a bit - my B. I accidentally used a curse word with a customs agent. (Him - how was your trip? Me - it was good, but freezing! Him - really?? Me - it was winter, absolute bullshit weather.) No big deal, but there I go holding up a line again.

More tips on how to be the worst at traveling? I'd love to read them! Comment below.


xoxox
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